I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
