The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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