my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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