its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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