At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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