sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
