no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
