Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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