we made out on top of his cat.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
