Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
