I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
