Rock
Scissors
Fuck
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize