Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
