Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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