You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
