EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
