Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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