I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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