Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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