my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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