I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
