you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
