there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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