if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
