i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The police scanner is talking about you again....
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
