kristin has been a bad kristin
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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