Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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