And to think..we used to do everything sober...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
