I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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