i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
