help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
