i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
