Barsexuality is the new black.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
