Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize