Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
