i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
