We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
