When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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