No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
