My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
