Plan B is the new Plan A
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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