I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
