oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
