Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I party with great urgency now.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
