3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
