so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I supernannyed him into submission
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize