Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
