it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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