remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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