Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
