you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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