Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize