i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
