actually, I'm a sock model
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
