ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
