I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
