so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize